Haunted by Girls

I got into HBO's "Girls" a bit late and missed a lot of the controversy around it. I noticed immediately the lack of diversity of the cast, especially considering the setting in Brooklyn, New York. This was a similar observation of "Friends" and "Sex and the City." However, that's another blog topic . . .

I was really moved by last night's episode of "Girls." Normally I watch the show as a spectator because I really can't identify with a bunch of white girls in their 20s trying to find themselves. I'm sure I might have been really into it when I was in my 20s and trying to find myself but now that I have a child, a mortgage, and a ton of responsibilities that make incessantly talking about yourself a privilege, the show doesn't really hit home. It's similar to how I felt watching "Sex and the City" 10 years ago - I was in college when the show came out and I was in my mid-20s when it ended and though now I can totally identify with the show (we all have a Mr. Big or a Steve), I enjoyed it as a spectator when I watched it initially. At 21, I was more focused on graduate school than finding Mr. Right. I watched SATC glad I wasn't in my mid-30s desperate to find a man just as I watch "Girls," happy that I'm not desperate to find myself.

But last night's episode spoke to me on a different level. It wasn't as a fun of an episode. You didn't see any other storylines with other characters and all their quirkiness. And the whole thing was quite preposterous - Hannah meets this handsome wealthy, newly-separated, slightly dorky, 42 year old doctor who is so taken by her they have this weekend affair where he cooks her steak and actually wants her to stay overnight. That just doesn't happen. Especially to someone like Hannah. So if you have any logic in your brain (and I consider those that believe in rom-coms to be highly illogical), you know that something is going to happen. And if you've been watching the show and are familiar with Hannah's character, you know that she's probably going to fuck it up. And of course she does.

Maybe it was reminiscing on that time in my life when 36 hours could go by and that didn't mean anything because I was so into someone's company. Perhaps it was the beautiful, and oh so appropriate instrumental music playing in the last few scenes. Regardless, for some reason, this episode just resonated with me. I think it was because Hannah has this moment where she realizes, although she's got this self-imposed persona of being a suffering artist, she actually wouldn't mind having a nice, happy, drama-free life like the one she experiences in this day and a half with the doctor. But she can't. It's not her. So she fucks it up by once again displaying that at the end of the day, she's underdeveloped and kind of an asshole. She doesn't have the capacity to be more than that right now. There's a scene at the end where, after she has a meltdown and firmly turns the doctor off and ends the fantasy, she wakes up at his house and looks around and realizes the doctor is gone. We see her get the paper (he's left THAT early that he didn't bring in the paper), make some toast and sit in his beautiful backyard and eat and read the paper. She puts her head down and the camera just shows her staring off, likely realizing the entirety of the situation. She then walks around his house, looking at his suits in his huge closet. Then she makes the bed and leaves his house, making sure to dump the garbage (if you've watched the episode you get the significance of this) and lock the door firmly behind her. As Hannah walks off down the street away from his house, the music continues to play. The traffic continues. Life goes on. She's dipped her toe into what is normalcy and it was too hot (or maybe too cold).

I had a lot of questions about this episode - why did Hannah linger when she woke up and realized the doc was gone? Was she expecting him to come back and wanted a chance to talk with him? Did she realize he was not coming back until very late, because he didn't want to run into her, so she knew she had plenty of time? And the biggest question: why couldn't she keep it together long enough to end the weekend?

I watched this episode and in particular the last few scenes multiple times (including again this morning while my son repeatedly asked why he couldn't watch "Sponge Bob"). I realized, after seeing Hannah's face lying there staring, why it touched me so much. I think it's because for people like Hannah, and too a certain extent I can identify with this, it's way easier to live in the sad-rejected-depressed-loser state than in the happy-euphoric state. There's something comforting, particularly for a character that readily admits she wants to experience painful moments in order to write about them, in that feeling because you know it. You know that it won't last too long, you know where you stand in it and you know from pain often comes creativity. I think Mary J. Blige is the best example - while she was at her lowest moments, she seemed to make her best music. And frankly unhappiness is often easier to relate to than happiness. To be, just to be, with the doctor would be too much for Hannah - she'd start feeling insecure (he's a handsome rich doctor - why does he like ME?). She'd start thinking about what they were doing and that it wasn't going anywhere because he was newly separated and was dealing with that and just wanted to have a good time with a 24 year old. Either way she would overthink it and mess it up for what it is - just a fun weekend with a handsome man. I realized throughout the whole episode, I was doing just that though - I was totally overthinking it, waiting for the shoe to drop, for Hannah to be, well, Hannah. I couldn't enjoy the episode for what it was - entertainment. A good time. I think that was precisely the point. And I loved it.

I am not sure what the overall message is with this episode. I am going back and forth about whether or not, it was about living in the moment. Or being happy. I don't know what it is. But I know that I can totally relate to that "this is going too well, I must fuck it up in order for me to feel some sense of normalcy or control" feeling that I think drove Hannah in many ways. Either way, I will watch this episode again because there's just something about it- maybe it's haunting me in a way. But I know I am supposed to get something out of it.

For all its issues, there's something about "Girls" that keeps me tuned in. I'm glad I'm not one of these chicks - they're not necessarily likeable. And though many things happen that are outlandish or just funny or things that I just have no experience in, there are episodes like last night where for some reason I just get it. And I'm glad that it made me start blogging again . . .