Keeping the Safety On

So I have mentioned that I know I have certain triggers that make me want to give up on my healthy living journey. I haven't been sure what to do about them until recently. I was watching Oprah and she was talking about this book "Women Food and God" and the author discussed how those of us who have trouble with self-control eat for other reasons than being hungry. Now I know that I have this problem, and I have admittedly not done too much about it. However, very recently I had another one of those Oprah "Aha" self-actualization moments and I feel like I kind of overcame my trigger - I thought of it as keeping the safety on . . .

On Wednesday I had to travel for work and I didn't have a good day. My day started off badly due to a horrible accident on an already packed freeway which rendered me 40 minutes late to a meeting. I may run late in my personal life, but I really try not to at work. Then I had to push my flight back, which of course caused child care issues for my child. Furthermore, the meeting was about an hour behind schedule so my presentation was rushed and I wasn't able to stay for a discussion I really needed to be there for. On top of that, I got a couple negative work-related e-mails. All in all, it just felt like a wasted day. Considering I'm trying so hard to build my reputation back up after being out on bedrest for 2 months and then maternity leave for 3, I felt like such a professional failure. Not to mention guilty for leaving my son for so long.

As soon as my plane arrived back in Oakland, I wanted to eat something bad. I wanted an ice cream sundae from Fenton's, I wanted a chicken sandwich from Bakesale Betty's. I just wanted something that tasted good because I felt so bad. I was standing there waiting for the shuttle to take me to my car wrestling with the little angel and devil on each shoulder. Then I started thinking about the book and Oprah and I realized I didn't really WANT those foods, I wanted to not feel frustrated about my job or being a working mom. And food, no matter how good chocolate or fried chicken is, was NOT going to solve traffic issues, long-winded people who make meetings long, or miscommunications with co-workers.

That was such a HUGE moment for me. I am going to read the book now.

P.S. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I decided I was actually going to commit to something for at least 21 days. So I have been faithfully writing everything I eat down, avoiding any kind of fast food or junk food (unless it is a Weight Watchers brand) and exercising regularly for the past 4 weeks. I'm down 6 pounds! Not that anyone has noticed (or will), but I sure do feel successful!! And I love Weight Watchers (but that's a separate blog entry).

Total KO

I would let to preface this by letting you know that I am not one of those people who has to be the best. I've never been that way. Now, I like to be good, I don't want to be average and bad is unacceptable. But I don't have to be the best at anything. If anyone reading this is a former band geek, here's an analogy: I don't have to be first chair, but I prefer 2nd or 3rd and I refuse to be anything below 4th.

So I went into kickboxing with that attitude today. I knew I wouldn't be Laila Ali up in there, but I thought I might be Jackie Frazier. I've taken a couple classes in the past and found them to be enjoyable. And I put a lot on this kickboxing class - it is at the perfect time (even follows a Weight Watchers meeting) and it's great cardio.

I sucked today. And I don't mean I sucked like I did in Bellydancing. I mean I sucked like I wasn't even a contender (veiled boxing reference for anyone getting my theme here). Once I realized I was spending more time standing there trying to figure out what the hell was going on than actually doing any cardio, I left and hopped on the treadmill.

In defense of the instructor, she did warn us it could be intimidating at first and that you have to keep coming back ("Practice makes permanent!" she said) to get it. I also wasn't the only fallen soldier - two other people left after me and went and did other things in the gym.

This wasn't like Bellydancing where I was bad because my hips didn't move the right way - I mean I wasn't off beat or anything, I just wasn't as good. But in kickboxing when they went left, I went right. When they did cross-jab-uppercut-hook-knee-turn, I was still trying to get my cross down. I was just really bad. Ideally I would have like the class to have a little more instruction about the different moves, but it was more "sink or swim."

And I sunk.