Betcha Can't Eat Just One

I was watching Bill Maher’s (LOVE BILL MAHER) show recently and Jeff Garlin was on (he’s on “Curb Your Enthusiam”). Garlin is a big guy and it was obvious he had slimmed down a bit. Bill Maher commented on it. Garlin replied that he had started eating right and exercising – and that he wasn’t dieting. He did mention that he found he had to give up sugar – not natural sugar but basically desserts. He said, “I found I can’t eat just one cookie. If I eat one, I end up eating pie and cake and a whole host of other things.” Bill Maher mentioned he had had a similar experience with smoking; when he was trying to quit he tried tapering off but found limiting himself to just 1 or 2 cigarettes a day didn’t help him quit. He realized he couldn’t smoke ONE.

This got me thinking about moderation and my personal struggles with food. I’ve always said that junk food, fast food, soda, etc. is okay in moderation – because fact of the matter is some people eat garbage every day. And you will see your life (and your wallet) improve GREATLY when you don’t eat that crap every day. However, I’m wondering if for some people, like me, if you really want to see some improvement you have to give it up ENTIRELY. Cold turkey.

A few years ago my cousin lost a lot of weight. Now she was never obese or anything, but she was, as the kids say, thick. She got a rare disease and had to totally change her eating habits. She told me she eliminated sugar and fried foods from her diet and the weight fell off. I kept thinking I should try that, but never got around to it.

I have not eaten fast food in a couple months. I have no desire for it anymore – it’s a combination of taste, after effects and not wanting to waste $5 on one meal when that $5 could pay for groceries. And that might have been a struggle for me at one point, but having a baby and being unable to even go get it for a certain amount of time resulted in me just losing an interest in it at all. But I am just STRUGGLING with giving up desserts. Like I could eat ice cream for dinner and be happy. I started doing this while I was pregnant and it stuck with me. I haven't really tried to give it up, but maybe I should.

I predict that will be very, very hard.

Go Hard or Go Home

I wouldn't call myself a party girl or anything, but while in my 20s I was keenly aware that my ability to do whatever I wanted to do was limited. I would not be able to sleep until noon my whole life, or spend $100 on drinks at Kincaid's on a Tuesday night or go to South Beach for a few days to hang out with friends. About 2 years ago, as I was turning 30, I told my friend that I was beginning to see perhaps the end of my life of self-indulgence. He told me I had about a 10 more years to "go hard" and just do whatever I wanted. I very much listened to him and prior to getting pregnant really did try to "go hard" and just do what I wanted to do - regardless of the impact on me, my health (my weight) or my bank account. And you know what? I had a good time. I never took it too far but far enough that I can look back and be happy I didn't say no to the last minute trips, the mid-week dates or the impromptu parties. Because now that I can't do those things because the baby has a schedule, I'm breastfeeding and I have a tighter budget, I don't feel like I missed out on anything.

I think though the most important thing I have to realize is that I want to make sure I model healthy behaviors. The other day I was at a BBQ with my co-workers. There was a ton of food and drinks, from chips to cookies to carne asada - but my boss's 3 year old son was happily eating carrots. It was refreshing to see a little boy bypass the 2 large bowls of potato chips in favor of the bowl of veggies. I realize that kids need to see their parents model healthy behaviors in order for them to develop them. So now, just as I saw the end of my party-like ways, I am seeing the end of my unhealthy behaviors. And you know what? I'm okay with that too.

Monkey

Most men I know blame point to women’s insecurity as the reason for, well, any problem in a relationship.

“Why didn’t you call her?” “She just seemed so insecure.”

“Why didn’t you commit to her?” “She was way too insecure.”

“Why did you cheat on her?” “I was sick of her being so insecure.”

These guys act like insecurity is a shirt or a hairstyle, like something you can put on in the morning and take off at night. As if people CHOOSE to be insecure and only have themselves to blame when insecurity impedes their lives. Nobody wants to be insecure; for those of us who are, it sucks. It’s a monkey on your back that impedes almost everything you do. Now there are times that this monkey can be reduced to say, the size of a keychain. These are times when you’re, as the kids say, “feeling yourself.” You’re confident. You feel smart/beautiful/fit/talented, etc. But for some people, like me, it never lasts.

I am one of those people who often comes off as confident and secure initially, but if you get to know me you recognize my insecurity monkey is a gorilla. And he’s heavy and frankly exhausting. If there is one thing that I have learned in my newfound state as a working mother, time is precious and I don’t have the energy for everything I want to do anymore. To quote a George Michael song, I’m trying to “set my monkey free.”

It has occurred to me that the only way to really deal with my insecurities are to, well, address them. Now I recognize that perhaps the monkey may never go away. I recognize that even the most confident woman has an evil monkey hidden deep in her closet. But there are ways that I can make my own personal insecurity monkey, say the size of a tamarin.

My Personal Pawn

When I was in college, I spent a quarter interning in Washington, DC. As part of our internship, all of us students were required to complete a research project. I remember one guy in my class did his project on how children are used as pawns by policymakers. According to his theory, you want to get your legislation passed, add something in it about helping kids. You want to get a bill defeated, prove it is harmful to kids. It was a pretty fascinating theory.

I was thinking about it the other day and realized that babies are also pawns for women in their post-pregnancy bodies. When you first have a baby, you're with him/her pretty much all the time. And frankly your friends and family want to see the baby when they visit, not you. So no one is paying attention to the fact that a month after your child is born you still look like you're in your second trimester. Even strangers on the street, including men who tend to naturally give a woman's body a once-over, notice the baby before they notice your paunch. Now this is great.

So the problem arises when you go back to work. You can't bring your pawn, a.k.a. baby, to the workplace. And though you can distract people with pictures, it is your coworkers who are the main people who are scrutinizing your post-pregnancy body. This is partly because the last time they saw you, you were probably 8 or 9 months pregnant and exceptionally huge. So there's a bit of fascination with the miracle of life that causes them to stare. But for the most part, the moment you step foot off the elevator into the lobby, your un-fitness (unless you are Heidi Klum) is on display. And as you struggle your first few months (I was going to write weeks, but I'm keeping it real here) awkwardly squeezing into work clothes your wore before you were pregnant, hiding behind your desk and hoping no one will notice, your coworkers have already seen you and have already made a judgement.

The other day I was talking to a coworker that had a baby 2 months before me. We both lamented how unattractive we felt now that we were back at work. I couldn't explain it - it was a combination of feeling tired, forgetful, distracted and well, fat. My coworker said, "You just don't feel cute." I totally agreed.

When I'm with my baby, I don't necessarily feel un-cute. I feel normal. And I realize, as I think back to DC over 10 years ago, that it's because I've got my pawn on my arm.