So I have this sorhority sister who always rides the bumper of the car in front of her. I don't understand why she does it (I haven't been in the car with her for over 10 years so she may not do it anymore). But about 10 years ago, she used to and I HATED rholling with her; she was a rear-ending-waiting-to-happen.
After living in LA for 2 years and now as a long distance commuter, I have observed a lot of driving habits. I'm not sure what to call the people that drive real close to the car in front of them - tailgaters maybe? - but what I have noticed is that the behavior on the road often reflects behavior in real life. Yes, there are Tailgater/Bumper Rider/Rear-Ending-Waiting-to-Happen pedestrians.
I realized this today as I was (for the last time) exiting the train in Sacramento, amidst the many other commuters. Normally, like them I'm eager to get off the train and walk to my office building. But not today. See, I'm 36 weeks pregnant; I am heavy and slow. Every movement is an effort. Apparently this was problematic to my fellow commuters - particularly the ones that exited the train behind me. Unlike me, they were in a hurry to get to work (or to the Starbucks located in the train station). So a few of them thought if they walked right on my heels or huffed and puffed and hemmed and hawed behind me perhaps I would speed up. It didn't happen.
So here's my PSA for pedestrians: a very pregnant woman is not going to speed up. No matter how much you clear your throat or how close you get behind me. It's just not happening. So either go around me or make your peace with it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Please, Please Stop
I am all "adviced" out.
I mean it. If I hear another person tell me what I should buy or do or say, I am going to SCREAM. I mean it. I am almost 9 months pregnant. I'm huge. I'm uncomfortable. It should go without saying that I have a very short fuse. Very, very short. Almost nonexistent.
And ironically, the people who give me the most advice? Women with no children.
Not that these women's words aren't valid. That's like saying that a single woman cannot give relationship advice. I don't believe that - often you're more objective about relationships when you're not in one. But I really don't need to hear from another broad whose experience with children is relegated to her sister/best friend/cousin. Especially at this stage of my pregnancy. I want to wear a shirt that says "Frankie Says Relax" or "I'm Not an Idiot. I Think I Can Figure it Out."
I think it is telling that women with children don't really give unsolicited advice. Now don't get me wrong - you get them started on something like breastfeeding or childcare or labor and they will go on and on. But I notice they don't say much unless you ask them. I am quite sure they understand first hand how not only annoying it can be for a pregnant woman, who is deluged with hundreds of different thoughts a day, to constantly received advice. I think women with children also know that every baby is different. And what worked for your sister Trish or your cousin Rita or your friend Tamika may not work for the next person (me).
I am 31. I have a Master's degree. I have a Blackberry and access to the Internet, Barnes & Noble and Kaiser. I have books. And most importantly I have a brain. For the love of all things holy, stop telling me I don't need pants for the baby. Stop suggesting I pick a certain type of sling. And please stop telling me I should get an epidural. I can figure out these things on my own. And you know what? I would really like to figure them out on my own.
To a certain extent I brought this on myself. I asked a lot of questions in the beginning. I made no secret that I wasn't an expert and that I hadn't been preparing for motherhood since I got my period. But damn - do I have "clueless" written on my forehead?
Look, I'll be able to figure it out. And if I don't know what to do, you know where I'll go for some advice? Google.
I mean it. If I hear another person tell me what I should buy or do or say, I am going to SCREAM. I mean it. I am almost 9 months pregnant. I'm huge. I'm uncomfortable. It should go without saying that I have a very short fuse. Very, very short. Almost nonexistent.
And ironically, the people who give me the most advice? Women with no children.
Not that these women's words aren't valid. That's like saying that a single woman cannot give relationship advice. I don't believe that - often you're more objective about relationships when you're not in one. But I really don't need to hear from another broad whose experience with children is relegated to her sister/best friend/cousin. Especially at this stage of my pregnancy. I want to wear a shirt that says "Frankie Says Relax" or "I'm Not an Idiot. I Think I Can Figure it Out."
I think it is telling that women with children don't really give unsolicited advice. Now don't get me wrong - you get them started on something like breastfeeding or childcare or labor and they will go on and on. But I notice they don't say much unless you ask them. I am quite sure they understand first hand how not only annoying it can be for a pregnant woman, who is deluged with hundreds of different thoughts a day, to constantly received advice. I think women with children also know that every baby is different. And what worked for your sister Trish or your cousin Rita or your friend Tamika may not work for the next person (me).
I am 31. I have a Master's degree. I have a Blackberry and access to the Internet, Barnes & Noble and Kaiser. I have books. And most importantly I have a brain. For the love of all things holy, stop telling me I don't need pants for the baby. Stop suggesting I pick a certain type of sling. And please stop telling me I should get an epidural. I can figure out these things on my own. And you know what? I would really like to figure them out on my own.
To a certain extent I brought this on myself. I asked a lot of questions in the beginning. I made no secret that I wasn't an expert and that I hadn't been preparing for motherhood since I got my period. But damn - do I have "clueless" written on my forehead?
Look, I'll be able to figure it out. And if I don't know what to do, you know where I'll go for some advice? Google.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Gossip Girl
I've written before about the level of attention one gets when she is pregnant - it's mostly positive, but occasionally someone says something that is pretty offensive/annoying. There's another peculiar form of attention and I think it's best described as "judgement."
Human beings - maybe just Americans, actually - are very judgemental and enjoy gossip and voyeurism. I think it makes us feel better about our lives to judge others. Don't believe me? Look at the debate on health care. The majority of criticisms are based on fallacies. Complete lies. I mean "death panels" had no basis in reality - yet people took it and ran with it. Easier to hear something from someone else and believe it than to do any research for yourself.
I accepted this fact a long time ago. I always thought it was stupid when my friends wanted to fight another girl who was "talking about them." I mean, so what? It's what people do - they gossip. Fighting someone is not going to stop it.
However, for the last couple of years, as I've gone through some tough times that were not exactly private, I've recognized that gossip can be harmful and that people do act on their judgements - even if they have no base in reality. This is particularly bad in the workplace - where I've seen a lot of it as I've gotten older. I am not used to being the subject of other's judgement or commentary. But now that I'm with child, I sure get a lot of questions and comments I never got before. No one at work (or even in my family) cared if I had a significant other, what my living situation was or if I planned to continue working in Sacramento. I mean, I don't think anyone even asked me about my personal life unless I volunteered it. And most times, I don't. So it is strange to me that I am getting all these questions from people I barely know.
My mom would say that I'm being paranoid and that it's polite curiosity and you shouldn't overreact. I have interpreted it as judgement. And I don't like it.
However it's been a lesson for me. My interest in engaging in gossip fests at work has really evaporated. I mean, I wouldn't like to be the subject of people's comments and judgements and I refuse to give it an audience. After all, if you're not listening to someone they won't talk.
This doesn't mean I won't continue to pick up an occasional "Us" magazine or listen to the Celebrity Grapevine on the radio every morning at 8:30 am. That's okay - it's not like I KNOW those people . . .
Human beings - maybe just Americans, actually - are very judgemental and enjoy gossip and voyeurism. I think it makes us feel better about our lives to judge others. Don't believe me? Look at the debate on health care. The majority of criticisms are based on fallacies. Complete lies. I mean "death panels" had no basis in reality - yet people took it and ran with it. Easier to hear something from someone else and believe it than to do any research for yourself.
I accepted this fact a long time ago. I always thought it was stupid when my friends wanted to fight another girl who was "talking about them." I mean, so what? It's what people do - they gossip. Fighting someone is not going to stop it.
However, for the last couple of years, as I've gone through some tough times that were not exactly private, I've recognized that gossip can be harmful and that people do act on their judgements - even if they have no base in reality. This is particularly bad in the workplace - where I've seen a lot of it as I've gotten older. I am not used to being the subject of other's judgement or commentary. But now that I'm with child, I sure get a lot of questions and comments I never got before. No one at work (or even in my family) cared if I had a significant other, what my living situation was or if I planned to continue working in Sacramento. I mean, I don't think anyone even asked me about my personal life unless I volunteered it. And most times, I don't. So it is strange to me that I am getting all these questions from people I barely know.
My mom would say that I'm being paranoid and that it's polite curiosity and you shouldn't overreact. I have interpreted it as judgement. And I don't like it.
However it's been a lesson for me. My interest in engaging in gossip fests at work has really evaporated. I mean, I wouldn't like to be the subject of people's comments and judgements and I refuse to give it an audience. After all, if you're not listening to someone they won't talk.
This doesn't mean I won't continue to pick up an occasional "Us" magazine or listen to the Celebrity Grapevine on the radio every morning at 8:30 am. That's okay - it's not like I KNOW those people . . .
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
We vs. Me
I am not quite sure how to broach this topic, and I don't really have a moral, I just perhaps wanted to share an "Aha" moment (yes, I watch Oprah) that I had recently.
It is very difficult when you're pregnant - and I'm thinking perhaps when you're a new mother too - to not think of you and the baby as "we."
I mean you're carrying this life inside you for 9 months and you're constantly told that anything YOU do affects the baby. So naturally this sense of 2 becoming 1 arises . . . however, once the baby is born, I think sometimes this thinking can become problematic.
I hear this from celebrities (and frankly some friends of mine that as I'm becoming a mother, I've lost a little respect for) who complain about the outrageously high child support their ex-wives or baby mamas want. They complain that while they will take care of their child, they are NOT interested in taking care of their ex/baby mama. I'm not quite sure where to draw the line - after all, if the mother doesn't have money to pay the rent, then the child doesn't have a place to stay - but I've heard it a lot. It also makes me mad because these men don't have the responsibility of caring for the child EVERY DAY and they're not willing to consider that a fair exchange for having the freedom to not have the day to day responsibilities might be giving up some of their money . . . but that's another story.
I realized the other day that I was thinking of me and my unborn child as a "we" the other day - and well, it was unnecessary. The problem that I was having didn't have anything to do with the baby or his well-being. It was related to me and my comfort - and it was something that had I not been pregnant, I wouldn't have even thought to ask another person for. As a home owner, I am sometimes annoyed by the fact that I have to do things for myself that I would otherwise call the building manager for. For example, the sink stopper was broken. Pre-pregnancy, I probably would've called Tony the Plumber (who is not the cheapest, but extremely reliable and efficient). Instead, I thought someone would fix it for me for free and on my timeline. Why? Because I was pregnant.
Although I am not judging single mothers or even married women who demand things from their child's fathers or husbands, I have to admit I don't especially want to become someone who is reliant on another person to the point that they can't do anything for themselves. Rather than passive-aggressively complaining about the sink (and assuming that someone was a plumber), I realized recently that I should just take care of it by myself. After all, it didn't have a whole lot to do with the baby - he wouldn't be using it anytime soon. I'm pregnant - I'm not helpless.
It is very difficult when you're pregnant - and I'm thinking perhaps when you're a new mother too - to not think of you and the baby as "we."
I mean you're carrying this life inside you for 9 months and you're constantly told that anything YOU do affects the baby. So naturally this sense of 2 becoming 1 arises . . . however, once the baby is born, I think sometimes this thinking can become problematic.
I hear this from celebrities (and frankly some friends of mine that as I'm becoming a mother, I've lost a little respect for) who complain about the outrageously high child support their ex-wives or baby mamas want. They complain that while they will take care of their child, they are NOT interested in taking care of their ex/baby mama. I'm not quite sure where to draw the line - after all, if the mother doesn't have money to pay the rent, then the child doesn't have a place to stay - but I've heard it a lot. It also makes me mad because these men don't have the responsibility of caring for the child EVERY DAY and they're not willing to consider that a fair exchange for having the freedom to not have the day to day responsibilities might be giving up some of their money . . . but that's another story.
I realized the other day that I was thinking of me and my unborn child as a "we" the other day - and well, it was unnecessary. The problem that I was having didn't have anything to do with the baby or his well-being. It was related to me and my comfort - and it was something that had I not been pregnant, I wouldn't have even thought to ask another person for. As a home owner, I am sometimes annoyed by the fact that I have to do things for myself that I would otherwise call the building manager for. For example, the sink stopper was broken. Pre-pregnancy, I probably would've called Tony the Plumber (who is not the cheapest, but extremely reliable and efficient). Instead, I thought someone would fix it for me for free and on my timeline. Why? Because I was pregnant.
Although I am not judging single mothers or even married women who demand things from their child's fathers or husbands, I have to admit I don't especially want to become someone who is reliant on another person to the point that they can't do anything for themselves. Rather than passive-aggressively complaining about the sink (and assuming that someone was a plumber), I realized recently that I should just take care of it by myself. After all, it didn't have a whole lot to do with the baby - he wouldn't be using it anytime soon. I'm pregnant - I'm not helpless.
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