One of my biggest fears is myself.
Today I went to a group exercise class at the gym (Full Sculpt and Abs with Janie). It was a blast! Janie's pretty entertaining. I enjoyed the music she played (we did squats to "The Cha Cha Slide"! It doesn't get better than that). The class was full of friendly women who seemed to know each other. There was a spirit of camaraderie and friendliness. And yes, I got a good workout (sit-ups can be HARD). Afterwards, I felt energetic and got on the treadmill and walked/jogged/ran for about 20 minutes. It was great.
At some point, I got a "This isn't going to last" feeling. I can't tell you the times over the years I've had a good workout or training session or healthy meal and told myself, "I'm going to do this every day! I'll be skinny in a month!" And then it never happens. Inevitably life rears its ugly head and I'm unable to COMMIT to the healthy lifestyle. I HATE THAT.
But it's all me.
I'm the same in relationships though. I'm not necessarily fearful of the guy (I mean I can't control if he acts stupid or doesn't realize that I am the most FABULOUS woman he'll EVER date). I am fearful of MYSELF. I am fearful of losing myself in a relationships and moving to the level (see my LEVELS OF SINGLEHOOD entry) of dating where I stop focusing on myself and start focusing too much on the guy and being in a relationship. I've been doing pretty well lately in making sure this doesn't happen. Case in point - a recent convo with one of my sorhority sisters -
Sorhority Sister (SS): So what's up with you and the fellas?
ME: I met someone I like.
SS: Really?!? Who is he? Do we know him?!? Why don't you bring him around?!?
Now my FORMER response to her asking to meet the dude would be as follows -
ME: How about we have party/go to Kincaid's/meet at Levende this weekend? I'll invite him!
However, it's HEALTHY LIVING (in ALL aspects of my life) Jam Rockah now so my response was more like:
ME: You know what? I don't think I want to do that anymore. I don't feel the need to parade some dude around. I think I'd rather my girlfriends see me as "Independent Jam Rockah" and not "Boo'd Up Jam Rockah."
SS: Look at you! Some one's growing up!
I realize that I'm enjoying this time focusing on myself. I'm not hearing the biological clock ticking in my ear. I'm hearing the knock of opportunity. And dammit, I am NOT going to miss out this time.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Status Report
So I have been doing this diet thing for almost 2 months now . . .
My sorhority sister asked me the other day, "So how is it going?"
I'm not sure how to answer that.
The problem is METRICS. Like how do you measure your healthy living? Weight? Blood pressure? Ability to get a date?
The scale hasn't been too helpful. I dropped a few pounds - but clearly not enough for anyone to have noticed. My pants don't necessarily cut off my circulation like they used to, but I'm not down a size.
I did schedule a physical for myself next week. I thought it might be good to at least know some quantitative data about my health status. I'm quite sure the doctor will tell me I need to lose some weight. But at least he cannot admonish my eating habits because those have certainly changed. Yeah, I'm still a sucker for some chocolate, but I can't remember the last time I had a soda. I've stayed away from fast food. And except for last week when I was on a work trip and my food options were limited, I have been gluten-free.
Now I have slipped time and again. There have been dinners and lunches out with friends where I ate a lot. I haven't given up happy hour or passed up a free drink at the bar. So, I have NOT been as disciplined as I could be . . .
The thing is, I FEEL good. I don't feel skinny. I don't feel like hitting the beach in my pre-organ donation bikini. But I feel good. I feel more energetic. I feel more positive. I enjoy going to the gym. I feel like smiling more.
There are probably some reasons I feel this way that don't have much to do with what I'm eating (or not eating) or my increased physical activity. Positive relationships with friends and family, job satisfaction, extracurricular activities all help I think.
Unfortunately, you can't measure feeling good via a scale or a blood pressure test.
My sorhority sister asked me the other day, "So how is it going?"
I'm not sure how to answer that.
The problem is METRICS. Like how do you measure your healthy living? Weight? Blood pressure? Ability to get a date?
The scale hasn't been too helpful. I dropped a few pounds - but clearly not enough for anyone to have noticed. My pants don't necessarily cut off my circulation like they used to, but I'm not down a size.
I did schedule a physical for myself next week. I thought it might be good to at least know some quantitative data about my health status. I'm quite sure the doctor will tell me I need to lose some weight. But at least he cannot admonish my eating habits because those have certainly changed. Yeah, I'm still a sucker for some chocolate, but I can't remember the last time I had a soda. I've stayed away from fast food. And except for last week when I was on a work trip and my food options were limited, I have been gluten-free.
Now I have slipped time and again. There have been dinners and lunches out with friends where I ate a lot. I haven't given up happy hour or passed up a free drink at the bar. So, I have NOT been as disciplined as I could be . . .
The thing is, I FEEL good. I don't feel skinny. I don't feel like hitting the beach in my pre-organ donation bikini. But I feel good. I feel more energetic. I feel more positive. I enjoy going to the gym. I feel like smiling more.
There are probably some reasons I feel this way that don't have much to do with what I'm eating (or not eating) or my increased physical activity. Positive relationships with friends and family, job satisfaction, extracurricular activities all help I think.
Unfortunately, you can't measure feeling good via a scale or a blood pressure test.
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Bike People
I crossed another thing off my "31 Things to Do Before I Turn 31" list this weekend when my mom gave me her mountain bike.Now that she lives in pedestrian-unfriendly LA, she doesn't use it. I promptly took it to the bike shop to get the tires fixed and to buy a lock. I'm excited about the bike, although not excited about the helmet. There is just no way I'm going to get my swagger on in a bike helmet . . .
I forgot how liberating a bicycle can be! This morning I rode it to the gym, iPod on, pedaling away to John Legend's "Green Light." It was perfect, although my butt was a little sore (I'm thinking I may need a new seat or something).
However, I need to learn bicycle etiquette. Yes, as in every other hobby there exists some sort of subculture. While in the bike shop waiting for my tires to get fixed, I observed "the bike people." The bike people use certain lingo, wear certain outfits, and seem to be way more skilled than I at noticing when a car door is about to open. Now, I am not interested in becoming one of The Bike People (it appears another one of their requirements is some sort of a beard). I am not about to wear the special socks or get all Lance Armstrong-y. And I'm definitely not giving up my car in favor of a bike. But I think it might help to understand the rules of the road a bit more. They're more complicated than I thought.
As a driver, I usually cannot stand cyclists. I hate driving in Berkeley on a sunny day because they pack the streets. In fact, one day, my sorhority sister and I were in her car near Cal's campus and she accidentally slightly hit a girl riding a bike. Slightly. In my sorhor's defense, the girl wasn't really riding in a straight line - she was trying to navigate her bike and a large Jamba juice across the crosswalk. In fact when the girl fell off the bike, her concern really seemed to be in making sure the Jamba juice didn't spill rather than her limbs (I can't blame her - a Jamba juice is a whole meal when you're on a college student's budget).
Bottom line is, I've become more cognizant of my fellow bike-riding brethren. I hope you will too, when you see me riding beside you, singing "I'm ready to go right now! I'm ready to go right now!" at the top of my lungs.
I forgot how liberating a bicycle can be! This morning I rode it to the gym, iPod on, pedaling away to John Legend's "Green Light." It was perfect, although my butt was a little sore (I'm thinking I may need a new seat or something).
However, I need to learn bicycle etiquette. Yes, as in every other hobby there exists some sort of subculture. While in the bike shop waiting for my tires to get fixed, I observed "the bike people." The bike people use certain lingo, wear certain outfits, and seem to be way more skilled than I at noticing when a car door is about to open. Now, I am not interested in becoming one of The Bike People (it appears another one of their requirements is some sort of a beard). I am not about to wear the special socks or get all Lance Armstrong-y. And I'm definitely not giving up my car in favor of a bike. But I think it might help to understand the rules of the road a bit more. They're more complicated than I thought.
As a driver, I usually cannot stand cyclists. I hate driving in Berkeley on a sunny day because they pack the streets. In fact, one day, my sorhority sister and I were in her car near Cal's campus and she accidentally slightly hit a girl riding a bike. Slightly. In my sorhor's defense, the girl wasn't really riding in a straight line - she was trying to navigate her bike and a large Jamba juice across the crosswalk. In fact when the girl fell off the bike, her concern really seemed to be in making sure the Jamba juice didn't spill rather than her limbs (I can't blame her - a Jamba juice is a whole meal when you're on a college student's budget).
Bottom line is, I've become more cognizant of my fellow bike-riding brethren. I hope you will too, when you see me riding beside you, singing "I'm ready to go right now! I'm ready to go right now!" at the top of my lungs.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Just Say No . . . To Wheat?
Yesterday, I went out to lunch with some co-workers. We went to the Old Spaghetti factories. I ordered whole wheat pasta, and a dish that had broccoli (which was VERY good) on it. I skipped the bread and drank water. I felt proud of myself.
After lunch, I felt horrible. Not food-poisoning horrible but bloated and heavy horrible. I chocked it up to the typical malaise one feels on a rainy day in February at work. Plus, it was a very familiar feeling. I often feel sluggish after certain meals. I figured it was just me.
Later on, on the train, I'm reading a new book recommended to me, "The Diet Cure." About how your poor eating habits and struggles with healthy eating are related to your brain and body chemistry. It details my symptoms and suggests perhaps I have a food allergy - to either wheat (the spaghetti), dairy (the chocolate my boss gave me for V-Day or the cream sauce on the spaghetti) or sugar (which aside from the chocolate, I didn't really have that day). Even later, at home, I'm reading "Women's Health" (which I am TOTALLY a fan of, surprisingly) and there's an article about food allergies and how most people THINK they are allergic to something but they may just be intolerant to it. Or there may be some digestive issues with it. Either way, both the book and magazine suggest not eating the food you suspect you may have a problem with for a few weeks, seeing how you feel, then gradually re-introducing it into your diet in small quantities.
So I'm TOTALLY trying that. Today is Day 1 of no wheat. This sucks as I just bought some cereal and bread at Safeway on Wednesday. But I can substitute - try gluten-free stuff. Eat rice based cereal. Anyways, it is just an experiment. And the cereal and crackers aren't perishable, so I should be okay.
If there is no change with the wheat, I'll start eating it again and try to skip on the dairy (milk and cheese). See how that works.
Wish me luck!
After lunch, I felt horrible. Not food-poisoning horrible but bloated and heavy horrible. I chocked it up to the typical malaise one feels on a rainy day in February at work. Plus, it was a very familiar feeling. I often feel sluggish after certain meals. I figured it was just me.
Later on, on the train, I'm reading a new book recommended to me, "The Diet Cure." About how your poor eating habits and struggles with healthy eating are related to your brain and body chemistry. It details my symptoms and suggests perhaps I have a food allergy - to either wheat (the spaghetti), dairy (the chocolate my boss gave me for V-Day or the cream sauce on the spaghetti) or sugar (which aside from the chocolate, I didn't really have that day). Even later, at home, I'm reading "Women's Health" (which I am TOTALLY a fan of, surprisingly) and there's an article about food allergies and how most people THINK they are allergic to something but they may just be intolerant to it. Or there may be some digestive issues with it. Either way, both the book and magazine suggest not eating the food you suspect you may have a problem with for a few weeks, seeing how you feel, then gradually re-introducing it into your diet in small quantities.
So I'm TOTALLY trying that. Today is Day 1 of no wheat. This sucks as I just bought some cereal and bread at Safeway on Wednesday. But I can substitute - try gluten-free stuff. Eat rice based cereal. Anyways, it is just an experiment. And the cereal and crackers aren't perishable, so I should be okay.
If there is no change with the wheat, I'll start eating it again and try to skip on the dairy (milk and cheese). See how that works.
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I'm a Sucker
There's this Garfield cartoon my co-worker once had posted up in her cubicle. In the first few panels, Garfield is getting together all this equipment and gear to exercise. He gets sweatbands for his head and arms, shorts, a shirt, a new bag - everything he could possibly need to exercise. By the last panel, Garfield, decked out in his fancy workout clothes, is lying on the floor on his back . Despite having purchased all the necessities for working out, he never actually does. Nonetheless he says, "Whew! Now, I'm too tired to work out." It's pretty funny. And boy can I relate!
I am totally one of those people (and I know there are a lot of us out there) that needs to buy a bunch of gimmicky items before I can start an exercise or weight loss program. I am the sucker consumer that is always looking for the easy way to lose some weight. Whether it be an article in a magazine about "Drop Two Dress Sizes by Friday" or some kind of magic pill, I have pretty much purchased it all. I'm quite sure I could have purchased an entire GYM, maybe a Gold's franchise, with the money I spent on "tools" for weight loss and exercise. And regardless of the money I have spent, none of these things have helped me with being committed to a healthy living regimine.
Not to say that some things haven't been useful. In fact, I'd put them into two groups.
Non-Useful Items:
Useful Items:
I am totally one of those people (and I know there are a lot of us out there) that needs to buy a bunch of gimmicky items before I can start an exercise or weight loss program. I am the sucker consumer that is always looking for the easy way to lose some weight. Whether it be an article in a magazine about "Drop Two Dress Sizes by Friday" or some kind of magic pill, I have pretty much purchased it all. I'm quite sure I could have purchased an entire GYM, maybe a Gold's franchise, with the money I spent on "tools" for weight loss and exercise. And regardless of the money I have spent, none of these things have helped me with being committed to a healthy living regimine.
Not to say that some things haven't been useful. In fact, I'd put them into two groups.
Non-Useful Items:
- Suzanne Somers' book, "Fast and Easy"
- Weight watchers member packet
- Subscription to e-Diets
- Diet pills
- Anything Slimfast related
- Personal training sessions (only because I wasn't motivated to go)
- Boot Camp (again, I just wasn't motivated, so it was a waste of money)
- Clothes that were cute but too small for me that I purchased in hopes they would inspire me to lose weight
Useful Items:
- Food scale
- Vegetarian cookbooks
- Sports bra
- Vitamins
- Yoga pants
- Gym membership
- Braids (this strangely relates because I never have to worry about messing up my hair when I get braids . . . nor do I have to worry about making all Black people look bad when I wear my hair wrapped in a scarf at the gym)
Monday, February 9, 2009
2 Steps Back
I start this week feeling horrible.
I am feeling guilty.
I am feeling discouraged.
Most of all, I am feeling disappointed in myself. And I hate that feeling.
If you hung out with me this weekend, you would have never known I was trying to diet and exercise. I didn't do any of it. Let me reflect on the various things I did this weekend which detracted me from my journey towards healthy living:
1. I did not work out. Except for step practice, I did not work out on Saturday or Sunday. Considering how tough it is for me to work out during the week because of my long hours, working out on the weekend is CRUCIAL. Bad Jamila.
2. I had fast food. Save for a Subway sandwich every now and then, I have not had fast food in a long time more than once in 2009. However, on Saturday, I had several slices of Round Table Pizza after a stepshow. It was a fundraiser. I was hungry. It was good. But I did too much. I could've gone straight for the salad bar (although I find them rather un-hygienic). Had maybe one piece. But no, not Jamila! Then on Sunday, I could have gone to the grocery store in the morning and purchased some groceries and made a nice, healthy lunch. But no, I waited until 30 minutes before step practice to grab some food. I spotted that Devil Woman on the way named Wendy and I had fast food. It totally wasn't worth it and after not having it for a while, actually tasted pretty gross.
3. I snacked on way too many chips. At a sorority meeting, I ate nothing but Doritos. My sorhority sister said, "Hey, aren't you on a diet?" She was right. As I write this, I am trying to justify why I ate nothing but chips (there were a lot of chips, I didn't have time for breakfast, I like chips, etc.) I didn't really feel guilty at the time, but I do now. Again, they sure didn't do much for my hunger. And I felt crappy after.
4. I skipped church. I'd like to blame this on my neighbor who chose to utilize a hammer at 7am on Sunday morning. So I feel horrible not only physically, but spiritually. However, I can't blame it all on my neighbor. I could've gotten up while he was a-hammerin' away and gone to the gym. But no, I laid in bed stewing for a while and drifted back off to sleep when he finally finished. Seriously, though, what kind of home improvements does one need to make at 7 on Sunday morning?
The whole point of this blog and this whole journey is for me to really figure out WHY I make the poor decisions I make when it comes to my health. So I'm trying to figure those out. I can see some reasons . . .
1. I Overbooked Myself. One of my friends says I do this sometimes where I schedule a bunch of things to do in a few days. I love being super busy, but I notice I use these busy days as excuses to not work on myself. I need to start prioritizing exercising and healthy eating as much as I prioritize social activities. And maybe include working or a trip the grocery store among the many things I plan on the weekends.
2. I Had Fun. I won't lie that I enjoyed myself. I went to the movies twice (thumbs up to "The Wrestler"). I went to a stepshow. I hung out with sorhority sisters and new friends. But clearly I didn't equate a healthy lifestyle with fun, as I found every reason to avoid it.
3. It Rained. I find when the weather is bad, I LOVE to sleep in and not go to the gym. This is really not an excuse.
What is most interesting to me though, and maybe what I consider a victory, is that even though I made some bad decisions, I totally wrestled with whether or not I should do most of them (except maybe the chips on Saturday). I ultimately made the wrong choices, but it is no longer instinct to sleep in or eat poorly. I consider that a victory. I'm trying really to not be hard on myself but that is just as difficult as this diet is . . .
One of my high school classmates is trying to quit smoking. He is blogging about his journey too. I was reading an entry and he wrote something that totally inspired me. "One day at a time. One decision made and followed." I can dig that.
I am feeling guilty.
I am feeling discouraged.
Most of all, I am feeling disappointed in myself. And I hate that feeling.
If you hung out with me this weekend, you would have never known I was trying to diet and exercise. I didn't do any of it. Let me reflect on the various things I did this weekend which detracted me from my journey towards healthy living:
1. I did not work out. Except for step practice, I did not work out on Saturday or Sunday. Considering how tough it is for me to work out during the week because of my long hours, working out on the weekend is CRUCIAL. Bad Jamila.
2. I had fast food. Save for a Subway sandwich every now and then, I have not had fast food in a long time more than once in 2009. However, on Saturday, I had several slices of Round Table Pizza after a stepshow. It was a fundraiser. I was hungry. It was good. But I did too much. I could've gone straight for the salad bar (although I find them rather un-hygienic). Had maybe one piece. But no, not Jamila! Then on Sunday, I could have gone to the grocery store in the morning and purchased some groceries and made a nice, healthy lunch. But no, I waited until 30 minutes before step practice to grab some food. I spotted that Devil Woman on the way named Wendy and I had fast food. It totally wasn't worth it and after not having it for a while, actually tasted pretty gross.
3. I snacked on way too many chips. At a sorority meeting, I ate nothing but Doritos. My sorhority sister said, "Hey, aren't you on a diet?" She was right. As I write this, I am trying to justify why I ate nothing but chips (there were a lot of chips, I didn't have time for breakfast, I like chips, etc.) I didn't really feel guilty at the time, but I do now. Again, they sure didn't do much for my hunger. And I felt crappy after.
4. I skipped church. I'd like to blame this on my neighbor who chose to utilize a hammer at 7am on Sunday morning. So I feel horrible not only physically, but spiritually. However, I can't blame it all on my neighbor. I could've gotten up while he was a-hammerin' away and gone to the gym. But no, I laid in bed stewing for a while and drifted back off to sleep when he finally finished. Seriously, though, what kind of home improvements does one need to make at 7 on Sunday morning?
The whole point of this blog and this whole journey is for me to really figure out WHY I make the poor decisions I make when it comes to my health. So I'm trying to figure those out. I can see some reasons . . .
1. I Overbooked Myself. One of my friends says I do this sometimes where I schedule a bunch of things to do in a few days. I love being super busy, but I notice I use these busy days as excuses to not work on myself. I need to start prioritizing exercising and healthy eating as much as I prioritize social activities. And maybe include working or a trip the grocery store among the many things I plan on the weekends.
2. I Had Fun. I won't lie that I enjoyed myself. I went to the movies twice (thumbs up to "The Wrestler"). I went to a stepshow. I hung out with sorhority sisters and new friends. But clearly I didn't equate a healthy lifestyle with fun, as I found every reason to avoid it.
3. It Rained. I find when the weather is bad, I LOVE to sleep in and not go to the gym. This is really not an excuse.
What is most interesting to me though, and maybe what I consider a victory, is that even though I made some bad decisions, I totally wrestled with whether or not I should do most of them (except maybe the chips on Saturday). I ultimately made the wrong choices, but it is no longer instinct to sleep in or eat poorly. I consider that a victory. I'm trying really to not be hard on myself but that is just as difficult as this diet is . . .
One of my high school classmates is trying to quit smoking. He is blogging about his journey too. I was reading an entry and he wrote something that totally inspired me. "One day at a time. One decision made and followed." I can dig that.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
I Want a Commitment
I think my inability to successfully and consistently live healthily is really related to my inability to fully commit to it. So, in thinking about what I can do to better commit, I started thinking about the things in my life I have been able to commit to and looking for common themes. The truth is I want to commit to this, I really do, I just don't know why it is so hard to commit to it, but it is easy (or easier) to commit to other things . . .
1. EDUCATION: I loved college and I knew I was going to go on to graduate school. Even though I HATED grad school (I toyed with quitting it for a while), I really never would have actually quit. I learned at a young age how valuable education was and how much it would help me. So I pulled all-nighters, spent hundreds of dollars on books, and lived on Top Ramen for 6 years because I knew it would eventually pay off. And it did. I absolutely LOVE putting three letters after my name and looking at TWO University of California degrees in my office. I don't like repaying student loans, but at least that is "good debt." If there is such a thing . . .
2. MY HAIR: Except for maybe college when I had no money and no regular means of transportation, I don't go long without getting my hair done. Probably the longest I've gone since, well since the 21st century, is 3 months. Maybe less. I love getting my hair done. Don't get me wrong - I don't like spending all day in the shop or sitting in an uncomfortable chair. But I do enjoy someone else doing my hair; someone who is far better skilled than I at it. And even in my poorest days, I have found ways to get my hair done by someone else. My hair has been so dependable over the years. It has put up with perms, hair dyes, and a super short cut (I got mine way before Rihanna). And still it stays there. I'm not obsessed with clothes, makeup or mani-pedis, but dammit, I am NOT giving up my every-other-week appointment.
3. SIGMA GAMMA RHO: From the first step show I attended at San Jose State University in 1992, I KNEW I was going to be in a sorority. It was just TOTALLY my thing. Synchronized dancing, special colors and hand signs . . . and a whole lotta boys. Yes, I was totally in that 20% of the college population that was going to join SOMETHING. On my campus, Sigma Gamma Rho ruled. I thought they were just the coolest girls. They were all tall. They carried themselves well. And they took me to a fraternity party when I was underage and let me use their IDs to get in. At 19, I didn't care much about community service or history, I just wanted to hang with those girls. Then, when I was "preparing" to get in, I learned about it, respected it and was really glad I was becoming a part of such a huge movement of women, striving to improve themselves and their community. Through my 12 years in my organization, I think I was uninvolved for a few years, but I always peripherally kept up with what was going on. Always enjoyed a stepshow. And always rocked my letters somewhere on my car. It's not even the money I've invested in the organization, it really is the relationships I've formed with my sorority sisters over the years that have kept me involved.
4. JANET EVANOVICH AND SUE GRAFTON: I love to read, and especially love mysteries. My mother turned me onto both of these authors a while ago, and I will always read their books. They're funny writers, with gripping story lines and smart, independent, fierce heroines that I totally relate to. Sure, Janet and Sue have made a few missteps along the years, but for the most part I enjoy their books. And I get so much enjoyment from their books that I refuse to not buy/borrow the new Kinsey Milhone or Stephanie Plum novel when it comes out. Beyond maybe JK Rowling (who doesn't love Harry Potter?!?), there just aren't any authors that have kept my attention for over 10 years. Okay, so I'm not going to stand in line to get an autograph or start a Sue Grafton fan club anytime soon, but they remain the two authors in my life that I will always follow.
5. LAW & ORDER: My mother got me into this show. I didn't really get into it until the summer of 1997, when I watched it every night at 11pm on A&E. I got caught up on the first few seasons in one summer, and realized that I really liked the show. Like every other thing in my life, there's been a few missteps (you're just not going to convince me Elisabeth Rohm was a good actress) and some unnecessary spin offs (Um, "Trial by Jury"? Really?), but I know at the very least, the show is going to bring up some kind of story line that's going to engage me on a level that perhaps "Family Guy" or "Maury Povich" don't reach. Plus, I kind of like the multiculturalism of the show. Oh, and Sam Waterston is totally underrated.
I realize it might be slightly pathetic to only have 5 things that I can admit to being committed to (I'm sure there are more, but these stick out in my head). I realize it also may be slightly pathetic that I included a fictional TV show and my hair on this list. But, I'm over 30 now and I'm at an age where I am comfortable with myself and I lot of decisions I made. That doesn't mean I don't REGRET them, but it does mean that I am not going to beat myself up over them - because I have LEARNED the most from my mistakes. And at the end of the day, I really do like my sorority! I love Janet Evanovich books! And I think Law & Order is coming on soon (it is always on at some time, on some channel) so I'm trying to wind this down . . .
If anyone out there is reading this, I could sure use some input on what these things have in common. The only thing I can see right now is that they all bring me some sort of enjoyment or value. The books and the TV show are instant enjoyment; school and the sorority are long term commitments that have brought value to my life in the form of relationships and marketability. The question is: how can I make my diet/exercise bring me these things as well?
1. EDUCATION: I loved college and I knew I was going to go on to graduate school. Even though I HATED grad school (I toyed with quitting it for a while), I really never would have actually quit. I learned at a young age how valuable education was and how much it would help me. So I pulled all-nighters, spent hundreds of dollars on books, and lived on Top Ramen for 6 years because I knew it would eventually pay off. And it did. I absolutely LOVE putting three letters after my name and looking at TWO University of California degrees in my office. I don't like repaying student loans, but at least that is "good debt." If there is such a thing . . .
2. MY HAIR: Except for maybe college when I had no money and no regular means of transportation, I don't go long without getting my hair done. Probably the longest I've gone since, well since the 21st century, is 3 months. Maybe less. I love getting my hair done. Don't get me wrong - I don't like spending all day in the shop or sitting in an uncomfortable chair. But I do enjoy someone else doing my hair; someone who is far better skilled than I at it. And even in my poorest days, I have found ways to get my hair done by someone else. My hair has been so dependable over the years. It has put up with perms, hair dyes, and a super short cut (I got mine way before Rihanna). And still it stays there. I'm not obsessed with clothes, makeup or mani-pedis, but dammit, I am NOT giving up my every-other-week appointment.
3. SIGMA GAMMA RHO: From the first step show I attended at San Jose State University in 1992, I KNEW I was going to be in a sorority. It was just TOTALLY my thing. Synchronized dancing, special colors and hand signs . . . and a whole lotta boys. Yes, I was totally in that 20% of the college population that was going to join SOMETHING. On my campus, Sigma Gamma Rho ruled. I thought they were just the coolest girls. They were all tall. They carried themselves well. And they took me to a fraternity party when I was underage and let me use their IDs to get in. At 19, I didn't care much about community service or history, I just wanted to hang with those girls. Then, when I was "preparing" to get in, I learned about it, respected it and was really glad I was becoming a part of such a huge movement of women, striving to improve themselves and their community. Through my 12 years in my organization, I think I was uninvolved for a few years, but I always peripherally kept up with what was going on. Always enjoyed a stepshow. And always rocked my letters somewhere on my car. It's not even the money I've invested in the organization, it really is the relationships I've formed with my sorority sisters over the years that have kept me involved.
4. JANET EVANOVICH AND SUE GRAFTON: I love to read, and especially love mysteries. My mother turned me onto both of these authors a while ago, and I will always read their books. They're funny writers, with gripping story lines and smart, independent, fierce heroines that I totally relate to. Sure, Janet and Sue have made a few missteps along the years, but for the most part I enjoy their books. And I get so much enjoyment from their books that I refuse to not buy/borrow the new Kinsey Milhone or Stephanie Plum novel when it comes out. Beyond maybe JK Rowling (who doesn't love Harry Potter?!?), there just aren't any authors that have kept my attention for over 10 years. Okay, so I'm not going to stand in line to get an autograph or start a Sue Grafton fan club anytime soon, but they remain the two authors in my life that I will always follow.
5. LAW & ORDER: My mother got me into this show. I didn't really get into it until the summer of 1997, when I watched it every night at 11pm on A&E. I got caught up on the first few seasons in one summer, and realized that I really liked the show. Like every other thing in my life, there's been a few missteps (you're just not going to convince me Elisabeth Rohm was a good actress) and some unnecessary spin offs (Um, "Trial by Jury"? Really?), but I know at the very least, the show is going to bring up some kind of story line that's going to engage me on a level that perhaps "Family Guy" or "Maury Povich" don't reach. Plus, I kind of like the multiculturalism of the show. Oh, and Sam Waterston is totally underrated.
I realize it might be slightly pathetic to only have 5 things that I can admit to being committed to (I'm sure there are more, but these stick out in my head). I realize it also may be slightly pathetic that I included a fictional TV show and my hair on this list. But, I'm over 30 now and I'm at an age where I am comfortable with myself and I lot of decisions I made. That doesn't mean I don't REGRET them, but it does mean that I am not going to beat myself up over them - because I have LEARNED the most from my mistakes. And at the end of the day, I really do like my sorority! I love Janet Evanovich books! And I think Law & Order is coming on soon (it is always on at some time, on some channel) so I'm trying to wind this down . . .
If anyone out there is reading this, I could sure use some input on what these things have in common. The only thing I can see right now is that they all bring me some sort of enjoyment or value. The books and the TV show are instant enjoyment; school and the sorority are long term commitments that have brought value to my life in the form of relationships and marketability. The question is: how can I make my diet/exercise bring me these things as well?
Monday, February 2, 2009
God and Money
I am recognizing that my struggles with trying to drop some pounds (8 so far!) parallel my struggles with overall commitment. My main issues with commitment I have seen manifested in how I handle money and my spirituality. I am realizing these are all related issues.
Like many Americans, I make a pretty good salary but I also have unnecessary debt. Too many times I have shrugged and said "Who cares?" and gone out to eat or purchased a new shirt or bought a round of drinks when I shouldn't have. Of course, I am suffering from it now. But it is a daily struggle to not spend money when I really want to. Just like it is a struggle to not eat a hamburger from Ahn's or a cupcake after dinner.
It all comes down to discipline. I have a hard time with it - I mean, I think I was an okay kid; I obeyed my parents and teachers for the most part (we all have our moments). But when it comes to self-discipline, I just suck at it. I too often go for the good, but fleeting, feeling when I should be looking more towards long-term happiness and satisfaction.
Which leads to my other struggle: spirituality. I wasn't necessarily raised in a religious family - we attended church occasionally and my dad prayed every night. My parents thought that religion was more a personal choice and if we wanted to go to church, they were down, but they weren't necessarily going to force it on us. I also think they had issues with organized religion as a whole. I share this too. I am pro-choice and I don't necessarily think homosexuality is the downfall of society. I've been going to church for the last year off and on though and it's a church that I have really enjoyed, that doesn't spend all the service complaining about abortion and same-sex marriage. But I have been passive. I go to church, I enjoy the service, I clap along with the choir, but for the most part I haven't made any changes in my personal life. I don't know if I feel sometimes God owes me (I've had some real challenges the last 2 years), but I do know that I haven't done my part to make those changes that will make me a better person. This is where the healthy eating comes in. Taking care of myself, eating right, drinking water, doing physical activities - these are all things that show that I love myself. At the end of the day, I think that's what God wants us to do - love ourselves. And we demonstrate love for ourself by taking care of ourselves - physically, financially, emotionally, etc.
So this "Healthy Living" journey I'm on isn't just necessarily fitting my pants or getting down to the weight listed on my driver's license. It's about getting healthy with my bank account, getting healthy with God and developing my overall love for myself.
I can't deny I'm scared. After all, I haven't been able to commit to these issues in the past. The other thing I struggle with is FAITH. And I just have to have enough faith in myself that I can do this. Because I want to go to Heaven AND Jamaica!
Like many Americans, I make a pretty good salary but I also have unnecessary debt. Too many times I have shrugged and said "Who cares?" and gone out to eat or purchased a new shirt or bought a round of drinks when I shouldn't have. Of course, I am suffering from it now. But it is a daily struggle to not spend money when I really want to. Just like it is a struggle to not eat a hamburger from Ahn's or a cupcake after dinner.
It all comes down to discipline. I have a hard time with it - I mean, I think I was an okay kid; I obeyed my parents and teachers for the most part (we all have our moments). But when it comes to self-discipline, I just suck at it. I too often go for the good, but fleeting, feeling when I should be looking more towards long-term happiness and satisfaction.
Which leads to my other struggle: spirituality. I wasn't necessarily raised in a religious family - we attended church occasionally and my dad prayed every night. My parents thought that religion was more a personal choice and if we wanted to go to church, they were down, but they weren't necessarily going to force it on us. I also think they had issues with organized religion as a whole. I share this too. I am pro-choice and I don't necessarily think homosexuality is the downfall of society. I've been going to church for the last year off and on though and it's a church that I have really enjoyed, that doesn't spend all the service complaining about abortion and same-sex marriage. But I have been passive. I go to church, I enjoy the service, I clap along with the choir, but for the most part I haven't made any changes in my personal life. I don't know if I feel sometimes God owes me (I've had some real challenges the last 2 years), but I do know that I haven't done my part to make those changes that will make me a better person. This is where the healthy eating comes in. Taking care of myself, eating right, drinking water, doing physical activities - these are all things that show that I love myself. At the end of the day, I think that's what God wants us to do - love ourselves. And we demonstrate love for ourself by taking care of ourselves - physically, financially, emotionally, etc.
So this "Healthy Living" journey I'm on isn't just necessarily fitting my pants or getting down to the weight listed on my driver's license. It's about getting healthy with my bank account, getting healthy with God and developing my overall love for myself.
I can't deny I'm scared. After all, I haven't been able to commit to these issues in the past. The other thing I struggle with is FAITH. And I just have to have enough faith in myself that I can do this. Because I want to go to Heaven AND Jamaica!
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