The Biggest Fear is Fear Itself

One of my biggest fears is myself.

Today I went to a group exercise class at the gym (Full Sculpt and Abs with Janie). It was a blast! Janie's pretty entertaining. I enjoyed the music she played (we did squats to "The Cha Cha Slide"! It doesn't get better than that). The class was full of friendly women who seemed to know each other. There was a spirit of camaraderie and friendliness. And yes, I got a good workout (sit-ups can be HARD). Afterwards, I felt energetic and got on the treadmill and walked/jogged/ran for about 20 minutes. It was great.

At some point, I got a "This isn't going to last" feeling. I can't tell you the times over the years I've had a good workout or training session or healthy meal and told myself, "I'm going to do this every day! I'll be skinny in a month!" And then it never happens. Inevitably life rears its ugly head and I'm unable to COMMIT to the healthy lifestyle. I HATE THAT.

But it's all me.

I'm the same in relationships though. I'm not necessarily fearful of the guy (I mean I can't control if he acts stupid or doesn't realize that I am the most FABULOUS woman he'll EVER date). I am fearful of MYSELF. I am fearful of losing myself in a relationships and moving to the level (see my LEVELS OF SINGLEHOOD entry) of dating where I stop focusing on myself and start focusing too much on the guy and being in a relationship. I've been doing pretty well lately in making sure this doesn't happen. Case in point - a recent convo with one of my sorhority sisters -

Sorhority Sister (SS): So what's up with you and the fellas?
ME: I met someone I like.
SS: Really?!? Who is he? Do we know him?!? Why don't you bring him around?!?

Now my FORMER response to her asking to meet the dude would be as follows -

ME: How about we have party/go to Kincaid's/meet at Levende this weekend? I'll invite him!

However, it's HEALTHY LIVING (in ALL aspects of my life) Jam Rockah now so my response was more like:

ME: You know what? I don't think I want to do that anymore. I don't feel the need to parade some dude around. I think I'd rather my girlfriends see me as "Independent Jam Rockah" and not "Boo'd Up Jam Rockah."
SS: Look at you! Some one's growing up!

I realize that I'm enjoying this time focusing on myself. I'm not hearing the biological clock ticking in my ear. I'm hearing the knock of opportunity. And dammit, I am NOT going to miss out this time.