2 Steps Back

I start this week feeling horrible.

I am feeling guilty.

I am feeling discouraged.

Most of all, I am feeling disappointed in myself. And I hate that feeling.

If you hung out with me this weekend, you would have never known I was trying to diet and exercise. I didn't do any of it. Let me reflect on the various things I did this weekend which detracted me from my journey towards healthy living:

1. I did not work out. Except for step practice, I did not work out on Saturday or Sunday. Considering how tough it is for me to work out during the week because of my long hours, working out on the weekend is CRUCIAL. Bad Jamila.

2. I had fast food. Save for a Subway sandwich every now and then, I have not had fast food in a long time more than once in 2009. However, on Saturday, I had several slices of Round Table Pizza after a stepshow. It was a fundraiser. I was hungry. It was good. But I did too much. I could've gone straight for the salad bar (although I find them rather un-hygienic). Had maybe one piece. But no, not Jamila! Then on Sunday, I could have gone to the grocery store in the morning and purchased some groceries and made a nice, healthy lunch. But no, I waited until 30 minutes before step practice to grab some food. I spotted that Devil Woman on the way named Wendy and I had fast food. It totally wasn't worth it and after not having it for a while, actually tasted pretty gross.

3. I snacked on way too many chips. At a sorority meeting, I ate nothing but Doritos. My sorhority sister said, "Hey, aren't you on a diet?" She was right. As I write this, I am trying to justify why I ate nothing but chips (there were a lot of chips, I didn't have time for breakfast, I like chips, etc.) I didn't really feel guilty at the time, but I do now. Again, they sure didn't do much for my hunger. And I felt crappy after.

4. I skipped church. I'd like to blame this on my neighbor who chose to utilize a hammer at 7am on Sunday morning. So I feel horrible not only physically, but spiritually. However, I can't blame it all on my neighbor. I could've gotten up while he was a-hammerin' away and gone to the gym. But no, I laid in bed stewing for a while and drifted back off to sleep when he finally finished. Seriously, though, what kind of home improvements does one need to make at 7 on Sunday morning?

The whole point of this blog and this whole journey is for me to really figure out WHY I make the poor decisions I make when it comes to my health. So I'm trying to figure those out. I can see some reasons . . .

1. I Overbooked Myself. One of my friends says I do this sometimes where I schedule a bunch of things to do in a few days. I love being super busy, but I notice I use these busy days as excuses to not work on myself. I need to start prioritizing exercising and healthy eating as much as I prioritize social activities. And maybe include working or a trip the grocery store among the many things I plan on the weekends.

2. I Had Fun. I won't lie that I enjoyed myself. I went to the movies twice (thumbs up to "The Wrestler"). I went to a stepshow. I hung out with sorhority sisters and new friends. But clearly I didn't equate a healthy lifestyle with fun, as I found every reason to avoid it.

3. It Rained. I find when the weather is bad, I LOVE to sleep in and not go to the gym. This is really not an excuse.

What is most interesting to me though, and maybe what I consider a victory, is that even though I made some bad decisions, I totally wrestled with whether or not I should do most of them (except maybe the chips on Saturday). I ultimately made the wrong choices, but it is no longer instinct to sleep in or eat poorly. I consider that a victory. I'm trying really to not be hard on myself but that is just as difficult as this diet is . . .

One of my high school classmates is trying to quit smoking. He is blogging about his journey too. I was reading an entry and he wrote something that totally inspired me. "One day at a time. One decision made and followed." I can dig that.